This year started with me back in Sweden. I left my old workplace, not because I wanted to, but because I was more or less pushed out by a few people who didn’t want me to stay, or maybe more accurately – wanted someone else to have the job I had. It’s possible I was bad at my job. Anything is possible.
Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best of spaces. I decided to come home because my best friend and my mother’s partner had cancer.
I can’t say that I’ve been a good person this year. I’ve let so many things slide. My uncle on my mother’s side died in March. My best friend died in April and my mother’s partner died in May.
I was utterly destroyed.
I don’t remember much of this year except visiting with Tove and talking to her and being there with her. I’m so glad I managed to see her before she passed.
I’m so sad it was only a few times before she left us.
I also got to see Sture before he passed, and I’m happy about that as well.
This whole year has been about farewells.
The people I care about.
A job I think I did really well.
My ambition and my desire to have a career.
I’ve left them behind, or they left me, I don’t know.
I feel I should snap out of it. I feel I should be grateful for all the good things in my life, but grief overshadows so much. There’s a weariness that comes from being overwhelmed with emotions. I am weary because I am overwhelmed. I am weary because there’s no one there to catch me, should I fail.
My support system is my job and my friends. I lost my best friend and I don’t trust that I’m very good at my job anymore. It feels uncertain.
I was told I was trouble. Maybe I am trouble.
I’m sorry I’m not okay. I wish I could be for everyone who feel bothered by me not being fine. I had three deaths this year. I had trouble at work.
Life doesn’t always give us an easy way out.