So today I spent a few hours leading about arrays and data maps, all in service of creating an inventory. There’s an inventory of sorts in both Chains of Command and Murder Mysteries.

I also found an appalling amount of spelling errors in the text I wrote for Chains of Command.

One never stops learning, I suppose.

What I did want to mention though is that I have this fear of learning, because I loathe feeling stupid. I learned, early on, that saying I didn’t know something opened me up to mockery and criticism. As a result I have a very hard time feeling ignorant, to the point where I’d rather not learn than be perceived as stupid.

This is of course as you might guess rooted in upbringing¹, resentful boyfriends who used my feelings of inadequacy and inferiority to feel better about themselves and – of course – gatekeeping former coworkers who tried to get me to quit by changing engines without telling me and so on.

I’m not saying this to gain sympathy points. We all have our crosses to bear. Mine is that I hate feeling stupid.

I’m trying very hard to get past that, something I have to do on a daily basis at work. I guess part of me trying to get past it is to openly admit it despite the harm it might do to me. To be honest, I’m pretty sure anyone who knows me knows this about me because I doubt I hide it very well.

What I really wanted to say is that it feels good to try these things and finally get over the hump and not really care anymore. Of course I still care but the fear of seeming stupid is less than the joy of understanding arrays and data maps. That’s it. That’s all.

1. A family member who more or less seemed to delight in finding fault in me and others, who among other things told me I needed plastic surgery when I was in my early teens.